strong as you can be.

so for years parents have argued that the media has desensitized everyone to life and all that happens in it. i would be the first one to raise my hand and agree with that. some kids are fine, but i watch the news and read the paper everyday, almost unaffected by anything.

and that's now how i should be.

so over the weekend i heard the story about the kid who killed his whole family. his father, brother, his father's wife, and her daughter. and honestly, i didn't think much of it. i felt bad for about 30 seconds, then went about my day. i mean, if that happened to my family i would hope someone would react more than i did.

but tonight i watched the news at 11. and they gave another story on this kid. they actually showed him not long after he killed his family....he was on a video from a convienence store, buying a bottled water. no expression on his face. then i read he went and rode four wheelers with his friends later in the day. i mean, what? this kid killed his entire family and then went about his day. that's what got me. the tv screen had my full attention.

then i realize, this didn't happen in new york city or some huge city. it happened right here in anderson county. where we live. maybe we've all seen this kid, you know, eating out, at the mall, driving. whatever. but we trust this small town enough that we think no one around us is a future murderer, theif, whatever. people are naive. and i am one of those people.

these four people killed all had lives. you think they woke up saturday morning wanting to be killed? i hope not. and everyone had a role. father. son. brother. wife. mother. sister. and just like that, everyone is gone. and everyone who knows this kid said they are shocked. he said "yes ma'am" and was polite. he was always nice. no one suspected he'd ever do anything like this.

so it all makes me stop and think, what kind of world are we living in? why does something like this have to happen in order for my closed, naive, unaffected eyes to be pryed wide open and see truth? bad things don't just happen in huge cities, it happens right here in anderson. so why are we all so unaffected? why do we see this on the news, feel bad for 5 minutes, then forget it? i'm not rallying for better movies or tv. i'm not saying we all go live in tents in pastures so we're safe.
i'm just saying we all need to take a look around. this world is a beautiful place, but its stuff like this that happens that makes it a little less glimmering.

while i was the gym today an older lady was talking to me about how she has vertigo, has headaches all the time, etc. she said "i wonder if i have a brain tumor." i don't usually delve personal information about myself, so i just politely responded, "i hope you're okay." she proceeded to tell me she'd be glad to have a brain tumor. she said most people she knows with one die within 3-4 months. then she said, "you know, you are young. but i'm old. i'm 62. so having a brain tumor really wouldn't be anything to me. besides, i've been craving a better, more serene place if you know what i mean."

i couldn't speak. i had to walk away. i said i had to use the bathroom. is this how we live these days? we crave brain tumors and look forward to death? sure, some people look forward to Heaven. so do i. but this is different. she's not old by any means. maybe she's got 30 more years to live. but she says she wouldn't mind going on now. i pray i never live like that. i don't want to take any day for granted. i want to be as strong as i can be, living the life God so graciously gave me. every breath i take is not my own. every step i take is not for me.

when will i realize.

change is good.

change is coming in my life.
i don't feel stuck anymore.
ok, maybe just temporarily, but now there's light in the tunnel my eyes have been squinting and straining to see for so long now.

where to start?

God is totally blessing me. I don't deserve it. I've screwed up a lot lately, and grace falls on me.
He's opened a door for me that I doubted would ever open. I applied to the Art Institute in Charleston and I haven't been "officially" accepted, but my admissions counselor told me to consider myself a student. I'll be doing photography. Can't believe it. I know that's all God, too.
Only thing there is there's a few locations around here that has the degree (same school) and I'm trying to decide what location. Charleston. Atlanta. Charlotte. Nashville. My parents and I talked about Nashville tonight, and I really like the location of the school within the city. So, I don't know, gotta pray about it. My info from Charleston can transfer to there if I decide to go there.

Rambling. Anyways.
That's one thing.

Another? Letting go of things is sometimes relieving. I've also done that a few times past couple weeks. I've gotten hurt. I've been angry. I've been sad. But I've also been happy. Felt free. Felt more complete. It's not like it's huge changes or anything, but little things add up.

I mean, it's the little things in life, right?

:)

Forgive My Lack of Perfection

more lyrics to enjoy..... :)

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
In the endless fight of grace and pride
I don't want to win this time

-"No One Really Wins" by Copeland


I think I'm safer on an airplane
I think I'm safer with my lungs full of smoke
I think I'm safer on the jetway
Than a world without hope

-"Safer on an Airplane" by Copeland


Father, strengthen me now until my only weakness is you
Father, comfort me now
I won't rest till I'm walking with You
And forgive my lack of perfection
Let me know for sure how tainted appears my reflection
Because perfection is anything You

-"Swim Farther Aaron" by Copeland (i really like them haha) :)


And we're all put together by the hands of God
But it was you
The piece He used
To keep me from falling apart

"I-540" by The Wedding

be my friend, jason reeves?

i keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
and i dont know why i would be.
the way your smile looks so real
i feel like i could start to understand your grace.
and i dont understand why you're
not here with me.
and i dont even wanna know where else you'd be.
cause i have photographs and memories of the times
when you weren't on my mind and i was alone.
and i have poetry and drawings of my life
when you weren't on my side and i didn't know
just what is love...writing moments on the wall with different colors
keeps my mind away from missing you.
and i can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
where we can dance upon a star..and i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
cause i don't feel like i was real until you were
a part of me.

-jason reeves, "photographs and memories"

i love love love this song.
beautiful.
listen to it on his myspace, you'll like it.

:)

monday night.

john mayer writes the best, most brutally honest, deep lyrics i've ever read.
he lays out life in a no holding back kind of way. he's awesome. a genius.

i wish i could write deep, meaningful words. words that would move people's hearts. make them think. oh, trust me, i've tried. and i've failed.
now i'm hoping i can take pictures like this. i'm working on it. nothing yet. :)

i was thinking today that i have so many things i want to do while i'm alive. i should keep it in a list. but anyways, i feel like i have to wait to do anything. i have to keep going to skin's day in, day out, always waiting. but maybe i can be cheesy and think that every hotdog i sit on down on a table is one hotdog closer to doing all these things i want to do. i feel like i have to wait till im done with school. and oh gah, who knows when i'll be done. at least 2 more years, i guess. i don't know. i actually can't wait to go back to school. i've never been more excited. odd? yes. i miss it. at least i know now exactly what i'm working towards, not floating back and forth with ideas.

by the way, if you ever need to finalize a decision in your life, take a friend and go to coffee underground. it'll do the trick. :)

goodnight.

Let That Be Enough.

"Let me know that You hear me.
Let me know Your touch.
Let me know that You love me.
Let that be enough."
-switchfoot

I have played this song over and over today just so I can really mean this.
I softly sing it not just as a song playing through my speakers....but as a prayer of my heart.

I can't seem to get things right lately. I screw up so much. I don't know what it's been about the past few days, but it feels like I am defeated. There's been a couple big things going on, but just in the past two days one major thing has been happening. To be honest, I don't know why it's happening. I have no clue. It's just happening and I'm sitting back watching it unfold. And it hurts. So this song is my prayer. I realize I have no control over it...but God does. So I gave it to Him.

Wish I could say it's been easy.
It's been harder.

we're only human.

i didn't think it was possible to feel so many emotions in such a short amount of time.
i think i've felt almost every emotion possible in the past two weeks.
so many things have happened. so many things haven't happened.
i have felt excitement, frustration, pure happiness, anger, hope, love, loss, joy, etc etc.

so, me being the odd person i am....
i love to relate my life to song lyrics. i look them up and write them in my journal. they can pretty much tell you how i was feeling at certain points in my life. i've been doing this since i was fifteen. but lately, feeling so many emotions, i have had a hard time finding songs i can really relate to right now. these songs say words i can't say but wish i could. the only song, at least today, is jon mclaughlin's "human".

after all, we're only human.
always fighting what we're feeling.
hurt instead of healing.
after all, we're only human.
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leaving...
after all.

it's not that this song is even perfect for everything going on. it just feels so honest to me. and the words are true.

music will always be a big part of my life. i find solace in it. i love to find songs and make them my prayers....because like i said before, there are things i just can't verbalize, even to my Father. it's almost like a coping mechanism to me. odd? maybe.

but it's one of my most favorite things in the world.