1 a.m.

I'm an hour into the new year. I swear I'm determined to make this different.

I know every year I say that, make this year different. I think I succeeded somewhat in 2008, but I'm not kidding when I say 2009 has to be different.

So anyways, happy new year everyone :)
Here's to a hopefully awesome year.

bend and break.

these days i can go from zero to sad in two seconds. it's so frustrating. but i just think think think think. and worry on top of that. and this stupid cycle will never end, will it? i will always worry about my future and worry if i'll ever be good enough. sometimes i'd rather just disappear than have my mind always wrapped around this stuff.

days to months to years.

i guess it's because we are human that we sometimes questions decisions we've made.
i don't know about anyone else, but i'm the queen of asking what if.
i've done this to myself my whole life. if i actually wrote out a list....well, it would take me a whole notebook probably.

i don't know if that means i've screwed up a lot or i just have a different perspective on things now.

should i even have so many questions and regrets about my life? i'm only 21. what if i live to be 90? am i going to look back and have a lifetime of regrets and constantly asking myself what if?

i don't want to have that kind of life. even if i only live to be 22....between now and then, i still don't want to constantly question things that have happened in my life. but i trap my mind in such a cycle that i don't know what to do. i know i'll probably never stop wondering and asking about things that have already happened in my life until this point....but as i get older, i would love to not have so many regrets and questions.

guess we'll see.

i'm a mess, i guess.

take the map and point to anywhere.

i don't care.

hurry up and wait.

i just saw on another blog a few minutes ago....someone asked that they wonder how much of our lives we waste waiting. i know exactly how they feel.

basically...

i share too much on this.

i have one big topic i've been trying so hard to sort out in my head for the past two weeks. and i can't do it. there's too many open-ended questions that i'm afraid i'll never have answered. i would like them answered by one certain person but we all know me! silly amber will never ask them! haaaa.

i hate myself sometimes.

oh the goodness of this song.

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the door

Memories like bullets

They fired at me from a gun

Cracking me open

I swim to brighter days despite the abscence of sun

Choking on salt water

I'm not giving in

I swim

-jack's mannequin

question.

you looked at me and asked...
what are you thinking?

i should have answered with the truth...

i was thinking i love you.

fall all around us.

i carry your heart.

i carry it in my heart.

-e.e. cummings

and then...

....life became amazing.

like this moment i'm in right now could not be any better.
drinking a mug of hot chocolate (i've been craving it for weeks!).
cold cold weather.
but i'm inside under a warm blanket.
jay leno on tv. gotta keep smiling :)
and that boy i love just inches from me.

i love winter.

sitting, waiting, wishing.

if i had ten clocks, i'd set them all a minute apart.
then when it turned 11:11 on each one, i'd get to make ten wishes.

and i'd wish everytime to somehow be everything you want and need.

thanks anberlin.

dismantle me.

beauty in pain.

so a big fat warning. do NOT click this link if you are squeamish. it's a bit graphic.

this picture. it's one of those you hate to look at but you just can't stop.
i don't know how i found it. i was searching random flickr pictures and found this girl's picture ream. i don't know who she is, i'm not condoning what she's doing.

http://flickr.com/photos/myguerrilla/2857646101/in/photostream/

but this picture screams so many things to me.
on one arm she's got one of the most awesome tattoos ever :)
on the other, you can obviously see she's cut herself for awhile. i've never seen anything like this. and trust me, i've seen crazy things. this girl has been through a lot and you can tell by this one picture. her arm screams battle to me. constant battle. but then again, it screams victory because all you see is scars. no new cuts. just healing. you see the consequences of what she did to herself, but there's beauty in scars i think. if that's weird to you, oh well. i'm not gonna lie, i've been through what this girl has. i was in flippin' mental hospitals for cutting myself. i attempted suicide. this all happened when i was 14, 15, 16, 17. some of my friends know firsthand what went on. i was on anti-depressants. i've got scars. so on one hand you look at this picture and you cringe. it kinda grosses you out. but on the other hand, it's beautiful because it does represent that the pain is over. you can see looking through this girl's pictures that she still cuts herself, but at least you know she's capable of stopping and getting better.

i know, i know. i'm weird and this is random. but i have a heart for people going through what i did because i understand exactly why they do it. like i said, i don't condone this in any way, but yeah. i get it.

glad i can learn from my past.

unwinding.

breathe in the familiar shock of confusion and chaos.

hang on if you can.

problem is...

[i think i lost it a long time ago.]

these days all feel the same.

i'm sure whoever reads this knows my biggest fault/annoyance/weakness (whatever you'd like to call it) because i've ranted about it so many times.

if you have something you NEED to say.....say it!

how many times have i went on and on about that? don't keep things inside because they will just build up. you will start making something big out of what initially was small. and plus if you have something you need to say, do it before you miss your chance.

all sounds familiar, right? then WHY WHY WHY can i not listen to myself? i am my own worst enemy sometimes. i annoy the crap out of myself. i need to say something to someone, but i've been talking myself out of it. i tell myself its a waste of time and they will think i'm really stupid for saying such a thing. on the other hand, what i need to say is how i feel. i can't help it. this blog is such repitition. i should know better by now, shouldn't i?

however, i think i've figured out my deep underlying fear is losing people. that's just been the story of my life. i screw up really good relationships with stupid stuff i say or do. i did it all throughout high school and i've done it in college. i tried to avoid losing people like the plague but i guess i'm a magnet to it. i'm not saying i drifted away from people for no reason....of course i probably did or said something, but i hate when things are broken and just can't be mended. it hurts me more than anything else. that's exactly why i can't tell this person how i feel or ask the questions i'm dying to know. this person confronted me the other day though, and told me the past few days i haven't seemed happy. it caught me way off guard. so i came up with a bunch of excuses and they bought it. but now they are always asking me if i'm okay. and everytime i'm like yeah i'm great! i hate lying, but i just lie to their face everytime. and here i am again in a cycle. its like every other month i get into this. great.

i don't know who reads this blog, but if you have any suggestions, i'm waaaaay open.

pathetic, i know.

the best kind of reason.

i should really be sleeping.
12:28 a.m. with a midterm in eight hours.

but i would like to take a few minutes to savor this night.
dim light from the hallway.
the classical music playing we can't sleep without.
your alarm clock that displays the time on the ceiling.
a half open window, gusts of wind outside, and the most beautiful person lying underneath it.
thanks to the light from the hall i can see you breathing.
did you know you breathe in sync with the swaying of the trees?
it's fascinating, really.
i'm glad we both like it cold when we sleep because this open window relaxes me.
and i'm perfectly content watching you rather than studying.

it's funny...

this room seems to hold everything i love.

are you in?

I’ll do this the right way, and dig myself out of this hole.

It’s frightening, that I don’t know which way I can go.

It might be that everyone around me seems cold.

And I think I need to do it all on my own.

And if I try to turn my life back around, it's so hard cause

I’m on a path that I’ve never been down.

And I’ve got I think that this might be the one way that I can go.

i could start over a hundred times.

i've got my life in a suitcase

and i'm ready to run, run, run away.

fail.

this is the weight of my conscience.

this is an all time low.

lead where you may.

this distance is what we make it.

you are my sunshine.

wishful thinking.

one day.....i hope i'm enough.

i wonder...

what did i do to get this lucky?

i have a broke, lonely future?

take this.

make it something beautiful again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

if i could put a mood on here like you can on myspace, i'd definitely put "nostalgic".

this weekend was so interesting for me. first of all, my parents came to visit. i had not seen them in two months. they looked different and yet they had not changed at all. weird. it made me miss home so much. i don't want to come back to live in south carolina, but a nice visit would be awesome. i miss driving down random farm roads in anderson. i miss my friends. i miss working at skin's....a whole lot. i miss familiarity. but all i need is a visit to cure these things because i know living in anderson again is not in my future. in fact i'd probably miss tennessee after a couple days' visit at home.

i'm random.

i definitely became depressed in photography class today. i gotta say, the professors aren't very encouraging as far as the future goes. they constantly tell us if we are looking for financial stability that photography is not the career path to take. the first year out of school will probably be tough and i will probably still be at cracker barrel. who knows. today i got depressed because my professor said most people in a photography profession do not have good relationships. he is the only one he knows of all his friends in the profession who is still married to the one woman he's asked. sad, right. he told us not to get engaged anytime soon. his point is that we all will probably have to travel a lot for our jobs, especially if you're wanting to be freelance. (by the way, guess who wants to do that....yep.) anyways, he says it can seriously strain a relationship if your partner hates traveling or just gets sick of you going. we actually had a guest speaker today. he graduated from the program like two years ago. he said he's been dating this girl for seven months but he doesn't know if it will work out simply because of his job. he said she's never really complained but he's still starting to think negatively. if you think that, why be in it, right? basically they told us unless you find a partner who doesn't care if you have to travel and will stick with you through anything, don't even start worrying about having a life with someone. wouldn't that make you depressed too? geeeeee.

it's the choices that make us who we are.

[....coordinate brain to mouth and ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. wish i knew...]

and fall makes me feel like this...

i'll give you my heart on a string.

i chronicled the days you made me want to live.

i'm in [love] with every part of you.

the weekend.

i've decided to summarize my weekend on this post. warning: it's not interesting ;)

Actually, let me start with Thursday. I worked a morning shift at Cracker Barrel and while I was there I started to get hoarse. By Friday night my voice took a vacay. I haven't had it back since. Yes, I can talk, but in whispers and squeaks. My wonderfully good pal Kristin likes to talk in squeaks with me....makes me feel special :) Haha. Anyways, I've also had some kind of cold. The whole runny nose/cough/congestion stuff. Fun, right. I finally saw a doctor today for that. I have three meds to dope myself up with. I hate medicine.

Saturday I just worked all day. By all day I mean like ten hours. Fun?

Sunday.....oh glorious football Sunday! The Titans are STILL undefeated! Even with flags flying like rain, the Titans fighting each other, and numerous other ridiculous things, they pulled off a win! I think it was like the last minute and a half Kerry Collins....though kinda old and balding....threw a beautiful touchdown pass. Then when the Ravens had the ball back, we intercepted! No chance! Awesome. Who misses Vince Young right now? Not very many people. Oh the love of football in the fall :) I am slowly turning into a boy....hahaha.

I leave you with this (of course!):

......keep me hanging on, so contagiously.

i can't be without it.

pouring over photographs,

i'm living in your letters.

[breathe deeply from this envelope]

it smells like you.

and i can't be without that scent.

it's filling me with all you mean to me.

time and confusion.

what makes your heart beat faster?

alive.

everything's a piece of everyone.

things that currently put a smile on my face :)

i'm even going to include pictures! whooo :)

1. Tennessee Titans Are Undefeated!

Who knew? I don't think anyone saw this coming but it makes us all happy! Even with Vince Young's drama (or whatever happened with him) the Titans still pull off wins....and good ones too. You beat the Jaguars, you beat the Vikings? Yeah, you're pretty darn good.

2. Jack's Mannequin - The Glass Passenger

I can't lie, I haven't listened to all of it yet but what I've listened to I love. For example, their song Swim. Absolute love for that song. If you don't wanna buy it on iTunes, go do something illegal and download from Limewire. Haha :)

3. McDonald's Sweet Tea

Mmmmm. You get a huge nice cup for a dollar. A frickin' dollar! I'm addicted for sure. Back in South Carolina they sell it by the gallon, but not here in Tennessee. In fact, they tried to tell me that no McDonald's anywhere does that. I told them check with SC and try again. I love my sweet tea so much that sadly, I really did say that. Ha. If I was cut open right now I would bleed sweet tea. Kind of sad. But then again it makes me happy! Oh, and Backyard Burgers has some really good sweet tea. And yes, how can I forget! Cracker Barrel! My place of employment! I love making tea there because I make it extra sweet and people like that. So I always say "Hey, you take a break. I'll make the tea!" That's so addiction. And nerdiness. Gosh I'm weird.

4. Friends

I was never into watching Friends in high school. I remember my junior year when we all went with Katie on her senior trip to NYC, everyone but her and I watched the Friends finale. I remember Katie and I went to the drugstore in Times Square to get posterboard to make signs for the Today show. We were just like, we have never watched it, why watch the last one?

Oh how times have changed. Alan and his brother Matt have all the seasons of Friends and since I never watched it we have been every chance we get. I'm hooked! I love the Chandler/Monica romance. I want Ross and Rachel to end up together. Phoebe and Joey crack me up. Everytime we watch it we all say we wish life was like Friends. Live in New York City in a nice apartment with your best friends right there. A coffee shop to go to everyday. And the couch is never taken! Score! Ahhh. Friends. Who knew a sitcom with such a simple name could explode.

I think four is a nice even number to stop on. This got lengthy, no? It's fun to do posts like these sometimes. And now you can enjoy all these things too!

Go Titans :)

it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

it's been awhile since i've watched a movie that makes me think.
tonight was the night. i watched reign over me. oh my. i haven't thought that deep in awhile.

i was going to give a summary but it stunk as i typed it out, so go look on imdb and join me back on here :)

could you imagine waking up one day and losing everything you know? i don't mean a job or money. those things can be replaced (not easily of course). but people you can't replace. you can try, but everyone knows you can't. what if one minute you have everyone you need the next minute they are gone? what in the world do you do?

sometimes i hate when people say "live today like it's your last!" cause if i did, i wouldn't work. i'd be somewhere i've never been, surrounded by people i love, doing something i want to burn on my brain to remember as i'm leaving the earth. right?
what if someone told you to live today like its your best friend's last day on earth. then what?

see, i'm so odd. i think about stuff like this. people think stuff just happens on TV or movies or even just to other people. but it doesn't. i could wake up tomorrow and have lost someone close to me. then i will regret things i never said or did with them. and it's not like i can go to every person that means something to me and tell them how i feel. for one, they will think i'm kinda weird. but on the reverse side, i personally live with a serious health condition. i could live to be 90, but by the same token i could go next week. i feel like i would tell someone that and they would say "oh amber. don't be overdramatic." but really, its true is it not? i know what's wrong with me. i got updated every few weeks on what's wrong with me. but did anyone start actually treating me? no.

okay, maybe that's a little overdramatic :) but do you get my point?
WHY WHY WHY would you ever want to hold feelings back from someone? because you are afraid they will be mad at you or laugh at you? so what? i obviously can't practice what i preach but you should.

quick, go hug someone you love :) and tell me if i make sense! ha.

digging my own grave.

i hear my bones break all the time.

whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there with

open arms and open eyes.

Who Are You?

So I have this class at school called Success Strategies. It's a freshman class but since I'm a transfer student, I have to take it. I'm supposed to be writing a paper for tomorrow called "Who Am I?" I was like, great. I'm in 5th grade again. I thought this paper would be a piece of cake. But it's seriously the hardest paper I've ever worked on. Forget trying to write a ten page paper on an ancient religious ruler. Been there, done that. I mean, really? You want to know who I am?

I wish I could tell you because I don't know. But who does, really? Who really has themselves figured out? I'd like to get some tips from them if you know who they are.

I know I mess stuff up a lot. Does that make me a screw up?
I am way too nice. Does that make me a doormat?
I don't try as hard as I should. Does that make me lazy?

I just don't know. Maybe I'll print this blog and turn it in. Ha. :)

what if you're making me all that i'm meant to be?

life is much more different than i ever thought it would be at this moment.
even where i'm sitting....never would have guessed it.

but.

i love it and wouldn't change a thing! :)

i want movies of my dreams and pictures on my walls.

don't forget to buckle when you fall

beneath the pressure of the seconds when your life became a screamer.

everything looks perfect from far away.

they will see us waving from such great heights.

"come down now" they'll say.

but everything looks perfect from far away.

"come down now."

but we'll stay.

the odds are in your favor.

i'm taking a chance.

this could be different.

this could be all i've waited for.

i seem to like this.

say anything. but say what you mean. cause i'm caught in suspension.

when i get close you turn away. there's nothing that i can do or say. now i need you to tell me the truth. you know i'd do that for you.

so why are you running away?

you win some, you lose some.

what if i left?

how much would that really change?

would you let the door close or catch it before it shuts?

how much are you willing to lose?

or do you feel like you'd lose anything at all?

how about we sit on the steps and talk things out?

how about we start all over?

i don't think it's good when you're everything to me.....

and i'm nothing to you.

What time is it?

enough said.

you'll be fine.

there's always something more you wish they would say.

so you think you can dance?

i think MTV is running a marathon of this show today. i've never watched it before and now i'm spending my day off with my face glued to the TV. i might be slightly pathetic, but i'm okay with that :)

so i'm watching the auditions...probably the best part of any show, right? everyone loves the audition part of American Idol. anyways, this show went to Charleston. yay, showing SC some love! i have no idea if this was recent or not, but it's fun. there was a cross dresser on there....his name was Jason Looney. i hope he's not related to Liz's family! hahaha...and if so, my bad. but really. he couldn't dance to save his life and who auditions as a cross dresser? at least pretend to dress normally for ten minutes, right? i hope that's not mean. that guy was just interesting.
there's been hilarious people on here. which is exactly why i keep watching. i'm awful, i know.

see, at least i KNOW i can't dance. no one could pay me to even just go to the auditions. i wouldn't know what to do. maybe the macarena. but you never know, that could impress the judges :)

anyways, i had to talk about the funny cross dresser who shares my sister in law's maiden name. how funny.

if you're bored, it's on MTV right now. you should watch and then discuss funny people with me!

i didn't know reba was cupid :)

who knew!

please watch this video. it's so flippin' sweet :) and who doesn't love reba?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6k2__ma0oM


for some reason i don't know how to embed youtube videos. my bad!
i guess being in nashville is making me watch GAC a lot. there's no CMT here, go figure. it's weird. or at least i haven't seen it when i flip through channels.

anyways, enjoy! :)

there's only one way to say it.

there are a hundred different ways i could try to think of to tell you this.
i could steal song lyrics.
copy down some poetry.
write my own.
use a lot of pretty words to impress you.

but really, there's only one way to say it....

i miss you and i wish you were here.

random-- part two.

i'm sorry i can't come up with a concrete subject at the moment for a post.
sometimes random is more fun :) so here's part two!

1. i keep playing phone tag with my brother and liz. i haven't talked to them since i moved and its sucks so much. i miss them more than any of my family. but shhh, don't tell. that sounds awful of me to say. ha.
2. apparently, i'm oblivious to the world of celebrity-ness. yesterday at the good ol' cracker barrel i waited on two people who seemed to be pretty important. managers were huddled talking about them. they had out their blackberries talking about interviews and meetings. finally one of my co-workers asked me, "you dont know who they are, do you?" i'm like, do i look like i know? my body radiates confusion/stupidity. she's like "that's K.D. Lang and T.J. Sheperd." well, i've heard of K.D. but not T.J. (ps too many abbrev'd names, gah). Still not fully knowing who they were, I was just like oh....okay. I'll be extra nice, I guess. Haha, I didn't really say that, but I thought it. They left a hefty tip, but since I was still training I didn't get to keep it. Dang. Apparently a crap load of celebrities come into this particular CB. It is Nashville, I don't know why I'm surprised about it. They told me Taylor Swift comes in a couple times a month and she's a real snobby person. Well, duh. She's like 17 and famous, who wouldn't be snobby. Still, it would be exciting to wait on her. I guess everyone else has had the "pleasure" of waiting on her cause they told me I could if I'm there the next time she comes. Heck, I'm from South Carolina. I'm excited! Come on Tayyyylor! :)
3. Anyone else seen Sugarland's new video for All I Want To Do? Jennifer Nettles is sooo adorable! I love her and strive to be her. Ha. It is impressive she can put on a good country accent when she sings. Awhile ago when me and Stina were Sugarland obsessed we found her old stuff on Youtube, and she certainly did not sing with a country accent. Crazy. I love it though!
4. I think I'm becoming one of those Star Wars geeks. I confess, alright! Last week I told Alan I had never seen it. He let me watch the first two and I think we are going on with the third one tonight. I actually like it....but you probably won't see me dressed up at those conventions. But at least if I had a gun held to my head and had to know who Obi Wan Kenobe is, I'm still alive.
5. This is THE most random blog. Ever.
6. I've lost the cord for my ipod that hooks it up to the computer to upload music. I had it in this very room when I moved here and now it's gone. I know where I had it and it's sooo gone. I'm sad.
7. Today I randomly missed AU Small Group days. Especially the band and music. Those were the days.....especially freshman year when it was Stina, David, Blake, Stew, and Heather Lu! I miss it.
8. I should stop now or else I will waste the rest of my life away on this silly thing.

Later! :)

R-rrr-rrrrandom.

please excuse this post. i haven't slept good lately, i just got off work not too long ago, and i'm sick. this shall be random. how about a list?

-so i got a job at cracker barrel. "hi my name is amber and i'll be your server". yep. listen, no one ever ever ever hate on CB servers. it's super hard work, it's insane what they have to do. i never knew. if you wanna know, just ask, but really. a big ol' OMG. buuuut...i love it :)
-they give employees huge meal discounts. so i got a big bowl of mac and cheese for like a dollar. awesome, no?
-how come everytime i choose to drive into nashville i choose the day that either a.) A Titans game just happened or b.) construction. i got stuck in traffic yesterday for a freaking houuuur. not only that, weird people beside me wanted my number and wouldn't quit honking the horn and being annoying. i was glad to get out of that. i just went back home.
-i don't like people who are numb to emotions. they use people and throw them away. Blah.
-has anyone else seen the preview for the show coming out on MTV called Exiled? doesnt that look awesome!! haha. its hilarious. fathers sending their bratty daughters to other countries to live so they will come back and be thankful for all they have. newsflash parents....you made them the way they are. they get everything they want because you give it to them! common sense, everyone. let's get some.

that's enough randomness. time for a nap. peace.

that's all it takes.

it's so funny how things that meant little or nothing to you before can change. new memories can be made. all it takes is for someone else to show you that you can appreciate the little things.
i could make a list right now on here of things that hardly meant anything to me six months ago, and now they have a piece of my heart. and there's only one other person who would get this. i don't think this person will ever read this, and that's okay.

silly but here goes.

-star wars.
-mcdonald's chicken nuggets....."who needs sauce, i mean really!"
-white chocolate mocha. if you want to make that a frappucino, go for it!
-old shackle island road.
-jag doesn't care what you do to him.
-you like football? are you serious?
-"i pick the teams i like based on colors and emblems...."
-for now, i miss you takes place of the other phrase.
-we take this one day at a time because that's all we can do.
-"do you really think diet orange soda and rum would taste good together.....i think not."
-...and that would be fun on YOUR birthday? okay...
-this is my piece of crap camera..... response: i'd kill for this!

this is only a bit of new memories. i could put more, but i feel stupid because no one is going to get this. i've never cared about star wars or the titans more in my life than i do now.

i wouldn't change anything.

isn't it ironic.

ironic things happen to me sometimes.
like today i was driving and saw the name of this road on the outskirts of nashville, so i took a picture. neverbreak drive. i was just like...how ironic is this. i had been having a rough day already today and i see this. it was weird what i was thinking about too. i was thinking when bad things happen to me, i'm really good at pushing them deep down and not dealing with them. putting on a face that says i'm doing just fine. it's like i flippin' live on neverbreak drive. i never let myself just break and be real and be honest. so the last post i had up about "you don't bother me anymore" waah waaah stuff. so not true. i just try to get myself to believe it is.

okay, yes, i have friends i can call and talk to, but it's easier said than done. sometimes i hate talking on the phone. and with what's been going on and what's currently going on, i don't think anyone would understand. and now here's the point of being lonely in a new place. i knew it would come, but just not so quickly. i don't miss home, i just miss connection with people. friendship. real relationships. i'm sure i'll miss home at some point, don't get me wrong. but for now i just want coffee and conversation with a friend. too much to ask?

fyi.

just wanted you to know that the 48 hours i've been in nashville, i've thought about you so much less. you don't rob every thought i have. you don't build up fears inside me. i can actually go places without looking over my shoulder. i have no more worry.

just wanted you to know.

it's here.

it's 12:53 a.m.

i can't sleep.

i leave to move to nashville in 7 hours, 7 minutes.

holy crap.

no one likes to be wrong.

i had a realization today. i probably shouldn't share it on a blog everyone can see, but this is how i let things out.

so hate is a really strong word. i always think i never, ever want to hate anyone. sure, i dislike people, but hate? that's just not how i want to live. but i was driving by myself today and i saw a certain word on a sign. and everytime i see this word, i cringe because it reminds me of someone. i'm not going to share the word, but when i saw it my face scrunched up and anger swelled up in my body. i let out a big pissed off sigh and stewed a few minutes, remembering what this person did to me. and then i was like calm down, amber. what are you solving here. i thought i had forgiven this person, or at least was in the process. obviously i backtracked today. i feel bad, but is it okay to admit i find it so hard to forgive this person? i've prayed and i know God speaks to me about it, but i choose to ignore His words. so as i sat there being immature and grumpy, remembering back, i realized i'm dangerously close to hating this person. and like i said, i don't want to live that way. at all.
i also realized a little part of why i'm excited about moving is because i can leave the bad memories of this person here. not think about it anymore. basically, run away from it. i'm great at solving problems, right? psssh.
wish i could give some good ending like "then i realized i should..." but i haven't. i know what i should do/think, but i can't bring myself to that point yet.

i definitely need prayer and God's help or i'll bury this somewhere deep in my mind to let it fester.

what did you say?

say what you need to say.
glad john mayer finally wrote a song on this subject. i'm a big fan...not just of the song, but of saying something to someone you know you need to. and surprise surprise, i rarely go through with it. i chicken out, get nervous, talk myself out of it, etc. it happens at least once every week. most times it's a small thing but sometimes it's big. i'm one of those people who think you need to get that off your chest because you never know what will happen the next moment. what if you hold in your feelings and then never again get the chance to tell someone what you need to?

hm. that could be irrational. that's just how i am. i don't know why i can't seem to go through with it, but i would encourage anyone else in the world to do it. i'd probably preach it all day to them, and i simply cannot practice what i preach. i'm an odd person. i can take days to build myself up. practice what i need to say, perfect it, get it so ready and good to go, and then out of nowhere, there's that stupid nagging in my mind. to not do it. it won't change anything. what's it really going to accomplish? and after days of gearing myself up, i'm down after two seconds of thoughts like that. anyone else this way?

this happened recently, but this was a more important issue. i had chance after chance to go ahead and talk about it with this person, and i couldn't do it. i would literally open my mouth to start and then stop. i kept telling myself if i don't say something i'd regret it. guess what? i didn't say anything and i'm kicking myself. nah, it may not have changed a thing in the world, but this person needed to know about this. they could have been like "okay", which is a rather disappointing response, but at least i know i've said what i need to say and it's theirs to deal with now. when this happens, it completely overtakes me. and it's right when i have the perfect opportunity to bring it up. it feels like my body is screaming the words i can't get my mouth to say. it feels like every hair on my body is standing straight up. i can feel it so deep in my bones, burning in my fingers, running through my veins. my heart is like go go go goooo amber! say it now! and my mind won't let my mouth start.

this is so frustrating and i don't know how to change.

Things I Wish I Had Discovered A Long Time Ago

The title says it all. These are a few recent things I've fallen in love with.
P.s.- don't ask why i'm posting this. just enjoy :)

1. Brand New's album Deja Entendu.
2. Watching Regis and Kelly before work every morning.
3. Putting ketchup under the chili on my hotdogs at work (hey, i never said these wouldn't be weird/random!) :)
4. Click-it Sharpies.
5. Msnbc.com's "week in photos". They are always so amazing!
6. Caress Tahitian Renewal body wash. That stuff smells like heaven.
7. Sour Cream and Onion chips. I never really ate them until now.
8. Jack's Barbecue in downtown Nashville. I could talk about it all day. :)

That's really all right now. I say all these on here so you can enjoy them too. So now you can eat amazing barbecue, look at even more amazing pictures, color with sharpies, and finish your day with a nice shower and heavenly smelling body wash.

You're welcome! :)

Oh Juno.

Too bad I can't embed this video....but please watch this.

It's the sweetest, yet most awkward thing ever. Especially when they both start the "doo doo doo" and all that jazz. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBDbUVXXp-U

I Heart You.

Ever really sat down and thought about.....

your heart?

Maybe you have, but I have not actually sat down to think about it until this weekend.
I was thinking how much our hearts have to do with everyday life. And I know what you might be thinking....thanks, Captain Obvious! Yeah. But really, how often do we just throw our heart around and not realize it? Things we say, do, watch...can really affect our hearts. Proverbs says hope deferred makes the heart sick. And hope itself is only one thing in this world that can make our hearts sick. What about when we just casually hand our heart over to someone we think we love....then we get hurt?

My point is, we all know that Jesus is big on our hearts, but do we even realize how much? I read in a book today "that the subject of the heart is addressed in the Bible more than any other topic." (thanks John Eldredge!) If I was given a guess, I would have said faith or salvation. Not the heart. But this book made a good point that the heart is central.....look at this quote.

"There is no escaping the centrality of the heart. God knows that; it's why He made it the central theme of the Bible, just as He placed the physical heart in the center of the human body. The heart is central; to find our lives, we must make it central again."

So I look at this, and I'm like pssssh....I know! But then I think, if hearts could literally break....mine would have scotch tape all over it. From people. Death. Situations. Consequences. Myself. My heart didn't have to break so many times had I just given everything over to God. That's His goal and that's what we struggle with a lot. Some people's hearts break so much that they just give up on life. Lose heart, lose everything. Sad, isn't it? I was fortunate enough to grow up in a Christian home and became a believer at an early age. So I don't remember what it's like to not believe in God. But I can just imagine people who don't know God....even if they are happy and blessed, surely there's an aching deep inside them. They have got to know something is missing, no matter how much they deny that. Right? Is it weird to say sometimes I wish I could have felt what it was like to be a non-believer then be radically changed? Don't get me wrong, my salvation is everything. I've been radically changed by God. I guess I just like those really awesome stories of people finally figuring out that God was the part missing from their heart.

So, good books I recommend to get about this subject:
1. The book I keep mentioning....The Ransomed Heart by John Eldredge.
2. Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus.

What are you waiting on.....get yourself to the bookstore! :)

call it home.

I've got my memories always inside of me.

But I can't go back to how it was.

I've come too far.

....and not after all my searching, after all my questions....

I'm gonna call it home.

i've got a brand new mindset.

i can finally see the sunset.

i'm gonna call it home.

wrapped in grace.

"And God must be a pretty big fan of 'today', because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live." --Jamie Tworkowski


"It makes me think about the value of a day. In the grand scheme one day seems very insignificant. But, when you add 365 of them together you get one year that could be responsible for so much change, growth, and wisdom. So maybe I should really focus on each day as it comes when I wake up in the morning. I should realize that the decisions I make every day either push me closer to Jesus or farther away from Him." --the great and wonderful Brandon Clements :)


First of all, Brandon is going to write a book one day and you gotta buy it. :)

Second, the theme of these quotes is what has been on my mind this week. Most mornings I wake up and am already looking forward to the day being over. What kind of attitude is that? And especially these days all I am thinking about is moving and all the newness coming along with that. I'm not taking the time to appreciate South Carolina. Appreciate the time I have left living in this house, working my job, talking to the people I see all the time. I get so excited about Nashville and it's really really hard for me to stop and realize I only have four weeks left living here. And I know in my heart I may not be back. Tonight my parents told me to make a list of things I want to do before I move. I thought that was precious. We have four weeks to make as many memories as we can before I leave. I even surprise myself daily....because a couple weeks before I move one of my best friends in the entire world is flying from Arizona to visit a few of us here in SC. And most days I forget! What? I have got to stop constantly thinking about moving and take the time to appreciate right now. These moments, these days, these people. Because I will get to TN and regret it. I will.

That's only part of what I think about. The other part is what Brandon said. The decisions we make everyday either bring us closer to Jesus or further from Him. Let's be honest, how often do we stop to think every decision we make affects our walk with God? Rarely for most people, myself included. Somedays I don't consider that fact at all and I get close to screwing things up. This past week my church put up a sign that says "Christianity isn't a cruise ship, it's a battleship." Yeah, corny, but true, isn't it? Even if you aren't battling other people, you are at least battling yourself everyday. Why do some people not care if they get their quiet time done in the morning but kick themselves for missing the morning news? Our nature is flawed and we've gotten so used to it now. Why is it when the only time we ask God to "rock our worlds" is when we're going on mission trips or big church events? Why can't we ask that everyday? I don't know, someone correct me if I'm wrong about all this. I just know that personally, I'm taking like every single day for granted. And I'm fighting myself everyday, and most days my flawed human nature wins. I hate it.

But thank God we are wrapped in grace, like Jamie said. I would be seriously messed up without it.

lessons from Relient K.

Random lyrics from a variety of Relient K songs:

Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong.
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see (what you see).
And though I'm finally catching onto it.
And now the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.

To be prosperous would not require much of me.
You see contentment is the one thing it entails.
To be content with where I am and getting where I need to be,
I'm moving past the past where I have failed.

If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found.

And its funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

i'll kill the thing that turns me away,
amputate the arm that will disobey,
withdraw from everything that's hurting me,
until you finish your work in me.

It smells so sweet outside today. The sun smiles down, I'm in the shade. I sit and think about all my friends and how good they are. But when today is yesterday, I know that things won't stay the same. But I know that the memories won't go too far. Round and round the world will turn. Lessons taught and lessons learned. Jesus gets us through the good and bad times. And lets us know that everything will be just fine. A year's passed since I wrote this song. A lot's gone right a lot's gone wrong. But I know that Jesus has been there right by my side. And I see the sun still shines. It shines outside and in my life, and I know that everything is gonna be just fine.


----i love relient k. :)

you'll always be my thunder.

So, I just got back from Nashville yesterday. I left last Sunday and went with Ezelis. Our first road trip, whoo! It was awesome. Came back Tuesday. Left Thursday again with my mom. I can't seem to get enough of the place. Maybe when I'm finally there I will stop blogging about it so much. I need something more interesting on here, don't you think?

Playing on repeat on my ipod the last few days is Thunder by Boys Like Girls. Is this not the most perfect summertime song? They hit the nail on the head, I say. I'm sure kids all over the world will fall in love to this song. That's not such a bad thing. I just watched the video for it today. Looks fun, I won't lie. Throwing food around in a restaurant, running out on the bill. Frolicking in football fields drinking a crap load of Red Bull. Watching the stars. Running through parking garages to go watch the sun come up. These people know how to have fun! :) And through all of that, they are with "their thunder", I guess.

Who likes my commentary on this song/video? Anyone? :)

Gosh, I'm bored.

The good thing about this blog is that not a lot of people read it. So maybe I won't look stupid to a multitude of people. I press on and keep writing nonsense stuff. And whoever these nice people are that come back and read it, I thank you. You give me something to do on Sundays like this.

Alright, here's something. In my life I have experienced meeting awesome people....throughout high school, in college, etc. My fault is that I let these people in way too fast. In my head, my heart, whatever. Sometimes I got pretty attached to these people. Then of course, no one is perfect, so I got let down a few times. It happens. You mend what is broken, pick back up where you left off, hopefully. The part I don't like is when things get broken and you can't mend them. They will sit there until they deteriorate. And thus...a cycle. I let someone in too fast, something gets broken, nothing gets mended, people are stuck in my head for far too long. I don't forget people easily...nor things they told me. I'm pretty sure its a disease :)

Life goes on though. And you go with it.

Come on, let's go.

we go dowwwwntown!

beautiful skyline. i'll see you this sunday! :)

a sunday full of nothing to do.....

.....gives you random thoughts. go with me here. :)



with nothing else to do this afternoon, i laid around thinking about how fast time has flown by. i'm going to be 21 in like two months. and that blows me away. it's like, where did time go? i can vividly remember me and jason playing basketball like everyday together. i can close my eyes and see us in that gold thunderbird. him driving us to school, me controlling the CD player. good times. those are some of my favorite memories. we listened to good charlotte and new found glory when no one else knew who they were. we had our own parts to sing in the songs. and we could probably still remember them today.

there's only three people i still keep in good touch with that i've literally grown up with. cala, ezelis, and miranda. i've known cala all my life cause she's my cousin. i met ezelis and miranda in 3rd grade, and the rest is history. we all went from playing house, to swimming, to coloring, to calling boys and gossiping. now me, ezelis, and cala are in college. miranda is married. gah it's insane. i can't get over it. today ezelis read part of a note i wrote her in like 10th grade. i kept saying over and over "i am so stupid!" its fun to go back and remember how silly you were in high school.

i swear just yesterday i was fourteen. i thought i had so many worries when i really didn't. all i had to do was be a kid, and i couldn't understand that. i couldn't wait to grow up. it's amazing what the ages of 14, 15, and 16 held for me. even if i didn't want to grow up, i had to. situations and consequences and decisions forced me to. but no lie, the summer before i started my sophomore year of high school is the summer i will never forget. i think everyone has those kinds of summers....the one where you start realizing you're not a kid anymore. you learn so many new things. that was the one for me. it was mostly just me and him, and a couple of my friends. i've never learned so much from one person in my entire life. that about sums it up.

and now, here i sit. getting ready to turn 21 and move away on my own for the first time. away from the security of anderson. i guess i know once i move, i probably won't live in this house again. it's possible but not likely. but i'm ready.

see? someone needs to give me something to do on sunday afternoons or else i go way deep into these thoughts.

Postsecret Can Predict The Future!

Bahahaha. Please, no one be surprised if this is me one day. Really.

Peace :)

something's in the air tonight.

so i just got back tonight from nashville.
pretty sure i left my heart there. it's freaking amaaaazing.

i finally got to visit my art school i'll be going to. i crossed my fingers that they would like my portfolio....and they did :) i sat in on a class, met a few people. um, i LOVE it. i would go right now if i could, seriously. i can't wait.

this is all like a new beginning to me. i get to start over in a brand new place. no one knows me, my past, anything about me. it's exciting. i'm not great at making friends, but hopefully i'll get past that.

i've had to learn lately that letting go is okay. even though it hurts so bad...it's good for you. if you don't let go of some things, you can never move forward. i can't go to nashville still holding onto some things here at home. trust me when i say it's the hardest thing ever. to watch things you've grown so close to slip away. i mean, just in the past month, so many things have changed. for one, my brother got married and has already moved to Kentucky. i can't lie, i cried. no one saw though ;) but anyways. i'm one to push feelings down and ignore them. but it gets harder as the weeks go by. so here's to letting go of some things and a new beginning...

i just pray it stops hurting so bad.

extra extra!

oh, the south. you gotta love it. here's some news...


1. I was watching the news when I heard some teenagers broke into Wren High School. I looked at the mugs on the screen and wouldn't you know one of the kids is a regular customer at Skin's. I died laughing, which is mean.....but this is something I never would have guessed about this kid. He comes in like twice a week. I could even tell you what he gets. He broke into Wren, the alarm went off, and him and his friends fleed on bikes. This guy has a car. Come on everybody. Let's not be dumb and turn into criminals.





2. I guess I'm a news junkie....cause then I got on the computer and went to independentmail.com and was reading just a lovely, dazzling news article....pshhh. Yeah right, we live in Anderson. Here's what happened. A guy said he was in Wal-Mart sitting on the toilet when a "bald white man with a Hooter's shirt and a pocketknife" came into the stall and threatened him. Then the victim guy said he got up off the toilet and pushed him away with both hands. End of story. Listen, I'm not sure a big bald guy with a Hooter's shirt sounds scary to me. Nevertheless, I wouldn't want to be threatened either.





3. Let's move on to exciting news. My brother, Jason, and his fiance, Liz, are FINALLY getting married this weekend! Look how precious....

I've been waiting for this a long time, so I'm pretty excited. Liz asked me to a bridesmaid, which I've never been before. I felt honored ;) My family from Chicago is flying in too, so this will be just one big weekend of happiness. I hope it comes fast!

Peace :)

if i could....

....i'd buy this riiiiiight now :)



i shouldn't torture myself by looking on ebay. cause they have a crazy insane good deal where you get this camera, 3 lenses, filters, tripods, a bag, memory card, etc etc. All for under $800. Listen, everyone, that's really cheap for all the stuff you get!



Be excited with me! Anyone! :)

paper, rock, scissors.

i love listening to old songs i haven't heard in awhile. most of them are perfect "summertime" songs, or so i think. i'm dedicating a whole post to them :)

one is the title of this blog. "paper rock scissors" by jamisonparker. it makes me want to drive with the windows down on a warm summer evening.
let's see. another is "runaway" by mae. i didn't know for years that mae sang it. i was joyful when i discovered that because they are one of my favorites.

just in case you decide to enjoy these too, here's a long list: ( go to www.last.fm to listen)

1. "A Decade Under The Influence" - Taking Back Sunday
2. "Sic Transit Gloria" - Brand New (the slow version is fun....makes me feel sneaky for some reason)
3. "I Woke Up In A Car" - Something Corporate
4. "Best of Me" - The Starting Line
5. "Honestly" - Cartel
6. "Take Cover" - Acceptance
7. Hmm......pretty much any song by Copeland. Yes sirree.
8. "I'm Feeling This" - Blink 182
9. "Always You" - Amber Pacific
10. "Fall Back Into My Life" - Amber Pacific
11. "My Eyes Burn" - Matchbook Romance (probably in my top 3 'summer' songs!) :)
12. "Letters To You" - Finch
13. "Ohio Is For Lovers" - Hawthorne Heights
14. "Anthem of Our Dying Day" - Story of the Year
15. "Saints and Sailors" - Dashboard Confessional
16. "Hands Down" - Dashboard Confessional
17. "Never Let You Go" - Third Eye Blind (isn't the end fun to sing! hahaha.)
18. "Swing Swing" - The All American Rejects
19. "Miles Apart" - Yellowcard
20. "Hit or Miss" - New Found Glory (this song reminds me of riding to good ol' Palmetto with my brother driving. we'd wail this in the car! good times, good times.)
21. "We're at the Top of the World" - The Juliana Theory
22. "So Long Astoria" - The Ataris
23. "The Little Things" - Good Charlotte (let's all note their first album is awesome. all the other ones are stupid. love that first one though. i remember the days of listening to it and no one knowing who they were. ah freshman year of high school.)
24. "Crawling in the Dark" - Hoobastank

i think that should do it. i could keep going but your eyes are probably tired of reading this. kudos to you if you did read it all, though. :)

a night of lyrics.

i mean, really. there's nothing else to do. i've spent a little while tonight looking up song lyrics. thought i'd share.

For some the world's a treasure to discover...
And your scenery should never stay the same.
Jon McLaughlin - "Indiana"

In this life, you're the one place I call home
In this life, you're the feeling I belong
In this life, you're the flower and the thorn
You're everything that's fair in love and war
In this life I'm stubborn to the core
In this life I've been burning after more
We both know what these open arms are for
You're everything that's fair
Switchfoot - "Head Over Heels (In This Life)"

We hold these truths self evident,
The lies we used to represent who we are,
because it was never meant to be.
And all the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never meant to be.
But the better days behind us now.
We all need someone to tell us how
To save the state of where we are,
It keeps demanding more and more and more.
And who will save us? This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save, and can you save us?
Oh I can't go on out of rhythm with our time.
Cartel - "Save Us"

And I think of you whenever life gets me down
I think of you whenever you're not around
And you rest your bones
Somewhere far from my house
Yeah, but you still pull me home
A Fine Frenzy - "Think of You"

Love lead me on
Where no one else has gone
Faith keep me strong
Love lead me on
The Afters - "Love Lead Me On"


that'll do for now. :)

hysterical.

once again, gotta show my love for SNL. :)

so this first clip is a spoof of Deal or No Deal. And the clip itself is not that funny....it's Kristen Wiig. She's acting as one of the models. It's her part that made me die laughing. She's my fave!
Watch :)




This one is pretty funny too. These were both last night on the season finale. Steve Carell hosted it. This is him and Kristen, of course. Haha.




When I grow up, I want to be Kristen Wiig. Yeah....that's about right. :)

time and change.

isn't it funny how things can change so fast.
people.
relationships.
life.

you can't avoid change. it's better to try to go along with it, right?

sounds good.
too bad it's so hard to do.

some change in my life is my own fault. for example...let's be real, i suck at friendships.
i make friends, really good friends.....then somehow i always ruin it.
i've tried to think about why i do the things i do. i'm a mystery to myself.
so most of the friends i had in high school and college i no longer have.
and i realize that's probably my fault.

that's one hard thing to deal with.

some change in my life isn't my fault. you can't control when other people change. or when situations around you change. people come, people go. things happen. things don't happen.
and you flow with everything. like you're a leaf on water, adapting to whatever comes along.

i'm not meant to live like this. i know i'm not.
and yet, in a way, i am that leaf. and i hate it, because life becomes harder by the week.
i don't know what to do to get out of this stupid "rut" i'm in.
yeah.

this probably doesn't matter to anyone at all, but it was good to get this all out.