these days all feel the same.

i'm sure whoever reads this knows my biggest fault/annoyance/weakness (whatever you'd like to call it) because i've ranted about it so many times.

if you have something you NEED to say.....say it!

how many times have i went on and on about that? don't keep things inside because they will just build up. you will start making something big out of what initially was small. and plus if you have something you need to say, do it before you miss your chance.

all sounds familiar, right? then WHY WHY WHY can i not listen to myself? i am my own worst enemy sometimes. i annoy the crap out of myself. i need to say something to someone, but i've been talking myself out of it. i tell myself its a waste of time and they will think i'm really stupid for saying such a thing. on the other hand, what i need to say is how i feel. i can't help it. this blog is such repitition. i should know better by now, shouldn't i?

however, i think i've figured out my deep underlying fear is losing people. that's just been the story of my life. i screw up really good relationships with stupid stuff i say or do. i did it all throughout high school and i've done it in college. i tried to avoid losing people like the plague but i guess i'm a magnet to it. i'm not saying i drifted away from people for no reason....of course i probably did or said something, but i hate when things are broken and just can't be mended. it hurts me more than anything else. that's exactly why i can't tell this person how i feel or ask the questions i'm dying to know. this person confronted me the other day though, and told me the past few days i haven't seemed happy. it caught me way off guard. so i came up with a bunch of excuses and they bought it. but now they are always asking me if i'm okay. and everytime i'm like yeah i'm great! i hate lying, but i just lie to their face everytime. and here i am again in a cycle. its like every other month i get into this. great.

i don't know who reads this blog, but if you have any suggestions, i'm waaaaay open.

pathetic, i know.