beauty in pain.

so a big fat warning. do NOT click this link if you are squeamish. it's a bit graphic.

this picture. it's one of those you hate to look at but you just can't stop.
i don't know how i found it. i was searching random flickr pictures and found this girl's picture ream. i don't know who she is, i'm not condoning what she's doing.

http://flickr.com/photos/myguerrilla/2857646101/in/photostream/

but this picture screams so many things to me.
on one arm she's got one of the most awesome tattoos ever :)
on the other, you can obviously see she's cut herself for awhile. i've never seen anything like this. and trust me, i've seen crazy things. this girl has been through a lot and you can tell by this one picture. her arm screams battle to me. constant battle. but then again, it screams victory because all you see is scars. no new cuts. just healing. you see the consequences of what she did to herself, but there's beauty in scars i think. if that's weird to you, oh well. i'm not gonna lie, i've been through what this girl has. i was in flippin' mental hospitals for cutting myself. i attempted suicide. this all happened when i was 14, 15, 16, 17. some of my friends know firsthand what went on. i was on anti-depressants. i've got scars. so on one hand you look at this picture and you cringe. it kinda grosses you out. but on the other hand, it's beautiful because it does represent that the pain is over. you can see looking through this girl's pictures that she still cuts herself, but at least you know she's capable of stopping and getting better.

i know, i know. i'm weird and this is random. but i have a heart for people going through what i did because i understand exactly why they do it. like i said, i don't condone this in any way, but yeah. i get it.

glad i can learn from my past.

unwinding.

breathe in the familiar shock of confusion and chaos.

hang on if you can.

problem is...

[i think i lost it a long time ago.]

these days all feel the same.

i'm sure whoever reads this knows my biggest fault/annoyance/weakness (whatever you'd like to call it) because i've ranted about it so many times.

if you have something you NEED to say.....say it!

how many times have i went on and on about that? don't keep things inside because they will just build up. you will start making something big out of what initially was small. and plus if you have something you need to say, do it before you miss your chance.

all sounds familiar, right? then WHY WHY WHY can i not listen to myself? i am my own worst enemy sometimes. i annoy the crap out of myself. i need to say something to someone, but i've been talking myself out of it. i tell myself its a waste of time and they will think i'm really stupid for saying such a thing. on the other hand, what i need to say is how i feel. i can't help it. this blog is such repitition. i should know better by now, shouldn't i?

however, i think i've figured out my deep underlying fear is losing people. that's just been the story of my life. i screw up really good relationships with stupid stuff i say or do. i did it all throughout high school and i've done it in college. i tried to avoid losing people like the plague but i guess i'm a magnet to it. i'm not saying i drifted away from people for no reason....of course i probably did or said something, but i hate when things are broken and just can't be mended. it hurts me more than anything else. that's exactly why i can't tell this person how i feel or ask the questions i'm dying to know. this person confronted me the other day though, and told me the past few days i haven't seemed happy. it caught me way off guard. so i came up with a bunch of excuses and they bought it. but now they are always asking me if i'm okay. and everytime i'm like yeah i'm great! i hate lying, but i just lie to their face everytime. and here i am again in a cycle. its like every other month i get into this. great.

i don't know who reads this blog, but if you have any suggestions, i'm waaaaay open.

pathetic, i know.

the best kind of reason.

i should really be sleeping.
12:28 a.m. with a midterm in eight hours.

but i would like to take a few minutes to savor this night.
dim light from the hallway.
the classical music playing we can't sleep without.
your alarm clock that displays the time on the ceiling.
a half open window, gusts of wind outside, and the most beautiful person lying underneath it.
thanks to the light from the hall i can see you breathing.
did you know you breathe in sync with the swaying of the trees?
it's fascinating, really.
i'm glad we both like it cold when we sleep because this open window relaxes me.
and i'm perfectly content watching you rather than studying.

it's funny...

this room seems to hold everything i love.

are you in?

I’ll do this the right way, and dig myself out of this hole.

It’s frightening, that I don’t know which way I can go.

It might be that everyone around me seems cold.

And I think I need to do it all on my own.

And if I try to turn my life back around, it's so hard cause

I’m on a path that I’ve never been down.

And I’ve got I think that this might be the one way that I can go.

i could start over a hundred times.

i've got my life in a suitcase

and i'm ready to run, run, run away.

fail.

this is the weight of my conscience.

this is an all time low.

lead where you may.

this distance is what we make it.

you are my sunshine.

wishful thinking.

one day.....i hope i'm enough.

i wonder...

what did i do to get this lucky?

i have a broke, lonely future?

take this.

make it something beautiful again.

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if i could put a mood on here like you can on myspace, i'd definitely put "nostalgic".

this weekend was so interesting for me. first of all, my parents came to visit. i had not seen them in two months. they looked different and yet they had not changed at all. weird. it made me miss home so much. i don't want to come back to live in south carolina, but a nice visit would be awesome. i miss driving down random farm roads in anderson. i miss my friends. i miss working at skin's....a whole lot. i miss familiarity. but all i need is a visit to cure these things because i know living in anderson again is not in my future. in fact i'd probably miss tennessee after a couple days' visit at home.

i'm random.

i definitely became depressed in photography class today. i gotta say, the professors aren't very encouraging as far as the future goes. they constantly tell us if we are looking for financial stability that photography is not the career path to take. the first year out of school will probably be tough and i will probably still be at cracker barrel. who knows. today i got depressed because my professor said most people in a photography profession do not have good relationships. he is the only one he knows of all his friends in the profession who is still married to the one woman he's asked. sad, right. he told us not to get engaged anytime soon. his point is that we all will probably have to travel a lot for our jobs, especially if you're wanting to be freelance. (by the way, guess who wants to do that....yep.) anyways, he says it can seriously strain a relationship if your partner hates traveling or just gets sick of you going. we actually had a guest speaker today. he graduated from the program like two years ago. he said he's been dating this girl for seven months but he doesn't know if it will work out simply because of his job. he said she's never really complained but he's still starting to think negatively. if you think that, why be in it, right? basically they told us unless you find a partner who doesn't care if you have to travel and will stick with you through anything, don't even start worrying about having a life with someone. wouldn't that make you depressed too? geeeeee.

it's the choices that make us who we are.

[....coordinate brain to mouth and ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. wish i knew...]

and fall makes me feel like this...

i'll give you my heart on a string.

i chronicled the days you made me want to live.

i'm in [love] with every part of you.

the weekend.

i've decided to summarize my weekend on this post. warning: it's not interesting ;)

Actually, let me start with Thursday. I worked a morning shift at Cracker Barrel and while I was there I started to get hoarse. By Friday night my voice took a vacay. I haven't had it back since. Yes, I can talk, but in whispers and squeaks. My wonderfully good pal Kristin likes to talk in squeaks with me....makes me feel special :) Haha. Anyways, I've also had some kind of cold. The whole runny nose/cough/congestion stuff. Fun, right. I finally saw a doctor today for that. I have three meds to dope myself up with. I hate medicine.

Saturday I just worked all day. By all day I mean like ten hours. Fun?

Sunday.....oh glorious football Sunday! The Titans are STILL undefeated! Even with flags flying like rain, the Titans fighting each other, and numerous other ridiculous things, they pulled off a win! I think it was like the last minute and a half Kerry Collins....though kinda old and balding....threw a beautiful touchdown pass. Then when the Ravens had the ball back, we intercepted! No chance! Awesome. Who misses Vince Young right now? Not very many people. Oh the love of football in the fall :) I am slowly turning into a boy....hahaha.

I leave you with this (of course!):

......keep me hanging on, so contagiously.

i can't be without it.

pouring over photographs,

i'm living in your letters.

[breathe deeply from this envelope]

it smells like you.

and i can't be without that scent.

it's filling me with all you mean to me.

time and confusion.

what makes your heart beat faster?