what did you say?

say what you need to say.
glad john mayer finally wrote a song on this subject. i'm a big fan...not just of the song, but of saying something to someone you know you need to. and surprise surprise, i rarely go through with it. i chicken out, get nervous, talk myself out of it, etc. it happens at least once every week. most times it's a small thing but sometimes it's big. i'm one of those people who think you need to get that off your chest because you never know what will happen the next moment. what if you hold in your feelings and then never again get the chance to tell someone what you need to?

hm. that could be irrational. that's just how i am. i don't know why i can't seem to go through with it, but i would encourage anyone else in the world to do it. i'd probably preach it all day to them, and i simply cannot practice what i preach. i'm an odd person. i can take days to build myself up. practice what i need to say, perfect it, get it so ready and good to go, and then out of nowhere, there's that stupid nagging in my mind. to not do it. it won't change anything. what's it really going to accomplish? and after days of gearing myself up, i'm down after two seconds of thoughts like that. anyone else this way?

this happened recently, but this was a more important issue. i had chance after chance to go ahead and talk about it with this person, and i couldn't do it. i would literally open my mouth to start and then stop. i kept telling myself if i don't say something i'd regret it. guess what? i didn't say anything and i'm kicking myself. nah, it may not have changed a thing in the world, but this person needed to know about this. they could have been like "okay", which is a rather disappointing response, but at least i know i've said what i need to say and it's theirs to deal with now. when this happens, it completely overtakes me. and it's right when i have the perfect opportunity to bring it up. it feels like my body is screaming the words i can't get my mouth to say. it feels like every hair on my body is standing straight up. i can feel it so deep in my bones, burning in my fingers, running through my veins. my heart is like go go go goooo amber! say it now! and my mind won't let my mouth start.

this is so frustrating and i don't know how to change.