so you think you can dance?

i think MTV is running a marathon of this show today. i've never watched it before and now i'm spending my day off with my face glued to the TV. i might be slightly pathetic, but i'm okay with that :)

so i'm watching the auditions...probably the best part of any show, right? everyone loves the audition part of American Idol. anyways, this show went to Charleston. yay, showing SC some love! i have no idea if this was recent or not, but it's fun. there was a cross dresser on there....his name was Jason Looney. i hope he's not related to Liz's family! hahaha...and if so, my bad. but really. he couldn't dance to save his life and who auditions as a cross dresser? at least pretend to dress normally for ten minutes, right? i hope that's not mean. that guy was just interesting.
there's been hilarious people on here. which is exactly why i keep watching. i'm awful, i know.

see, at least i KNOW i can't dance. no one could pay me to even just go to the auditions. i wouldn't know what to do. maybe the macarena. but you never know, that could impress the judges :)

anyways, i had to talk about the funny cross dresser who shares my sister in law's maiden name. how funny.

if you're bored, it's on MTV right now. you should watch and then discuss funny people with me!

i didn't know reba was cupid :)

who knew!

please watch this video. it's so flippin' sweet :) and who doesn't love reba?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6k2__ma0oM


for some reason i don't know how to embed youtube videos. my bad!
i guess being in nashville is making me watch GAC a lot. there's no CMT here, go figure. it's weird. or at least i haven't seen it when i flip through channels.

anyways, enjoy! :)

there's only one way to say it.

there are a hundred different ways i could try to think of to tell you this.
i could steal song lyrics.
copy down some poetry.
write my own.
use a lot of pretty words to impress you.

but really, there's only one way to say it....

i miss you and i wish you were here.

random-- part two.

i'm sorry i can't come up with a concrete subject at the moment for a post.
sometimes random is more fun :) so here's part two!

1. i keep playing phone tag with my brother and liz. i haven't talked to them since i moved and its sucks so much. i miss them more than any of my family. but shhh, don't tell. that sounds awful of me to say. ha.
2. apparently, i'm oblivious to the world of celebrity-ness. yesterday at the good ol' cracker barrel i waited on two people who seemed to be pretty important. managers were huddled talking about them. they had out their blackberries talking about interviews and meetings. finally one of my co-workers asked me, "you dont know who they are, do you?" i'm like, do i look like i know? my body radiates confusion/stupidity. she's like "that's K.D. Lang and T.J. Sheperd." well, i've heard of K.D. but not T.J. (ps too many abbrev'd names, gah). Still not fully knowing who they were, I was just like oh....okay. I'll be extra nice, I guess. Haha, I didn't really say that, but I thought it. They left a hefty tip, but since I was still training I didn't get to keep it. Dang. Apparently a crap load of celebrities come into this particular CB. It is Nashville, I don't know why I'm surprised about it. They told me Taylor Swift comes in a couple times a month and she's a real snobby person. Well, duh. She's like 17 and famous, who wouldn't be snobby. Still, it would be exciting to wait on her. I guess everyone else has had the "pleasure" of waiting on her cause they told me I could if I'm there the next time she comes. Heck, I'm from South Carolina. I'm excited! Come on Tayyyylor! :)
3. Anyone else seen Sugarland's new video for All I Want To Do? Jennifer Nettles is sooo adorable! I love her and strive to be her. Ha. It is impressive she can put on a good country accent when she sings. Awhile ago when me and Stina were Sugarland obsessed we found her old stuff on Youtube, and she certainly did not sing with a country accent. Crazy. I love it though!
4. I think I'm becoming one of those Star Wars geeks. I confess, alright! Last week I told Alan I had never seen it. He let me watch the first two and I think we are going on with the third one tonight. I actually like it....but you probably won't see me dressed up at those conventions. But at least if I had a gun held to my head and had to know who Obi Wan Kenobe is, I'm still alive.
5. This is THE most random blog. Ever.
6. I've lost the cord for my ipod that hooks it up to the computer to upload music. I had it in this very room when I moved here and now it's gone. I know where I had it and it's sooo gone. I'm sad.
7. Today I randomly missed AU Small Group days. Especially the band and music. Those were the days.....especially freshman year when it was Stina, David, Blake, Stew, and Heather Lu! I miss it.
8. I should stop now or else I will waste the rest of my life away on this silly thing.

Later! :)

R-rrr-rrrrandom.

please excuse this post. i haven't slept good lately, i just got off work not too long ago, and i'm sick. this shall be random. how about a list?

-so i got a job at cracker barrel. "hi my name is amber and i'll be your server". yep. listen, no one ever ever ever hate on CB servers. it's super hard work, it's insane what they have to do. i never knew. if you wanna know, just ask, but really. a big ol' OMG. buuuut...i love it :)
-they give employees huge meal discounts. so i got a big bowl of mac and cheese for like a dollar. awesome, no?
-how come everytime i choose to drive into nashville i choose the day that either a.) A Titans game just happened or b.) construction. i got stuck in traffic yesterday for a freaking houuuur. not only that, weird people beside me wanted my number and wouldn't quit honking the horn and being annoying. i was glad to get out of that. i just went back home.
-i don't like people who are numb to emotions. they use people and throw them away. Blah.
-has anyone else seen the preview for the show coming out on MTV called Exiled? doesnt that look awesome!! haha. its hilarious. fathers sending their bratty daughters to other countries to live so they will come back and be thankful for all they have. newsflash parents....you made them the way they are. they get everything they want because you give it to them! common sense, everyone. let's get some.

that's enough randomness. time for a nap. peace.

that's all it takes.

it's so funny how things that meant little or nothing to you before can change. new memories can be made. all it takes is for someone else to show you that you can appreciate the little things.
i could make a list right now on here of things that hardly meant anything to me six months ago, and now they have a piece of my heart. and there's only one other person who would get this. i don't think this person will ever read this, and that's okay.

silly but here goes.

-star wars.
-mcdonald's chicken nuggets....."who needs sauce, i mean really!"
-white chocolate mocha. if you want to make that a frappucino, go for it!
-old shackle island road.
-jag doesn't care what you do to him.
-you like football? are you serious?
-"i pick the teams i like based on colors and emblems...."
-for now, i miss you takes place of the other phrase.
-we take this one day at a time because that's all we can do.
-"do you really think diet orange soda and rum would taste good together.....i think not."
-...and that would be fun on YOUR birthday? okay...
-this is my piece of crap camera..... response: i'd kill for this!

this is only a bit of new memories. i could put more, but i feel stupid because no one is going to get this. i've never cared about star wars or the titans more in my life than i do now.

i wouldn't change anything.

isn't it ironic.

ironic things happen to me sometimes.
like today i was driving and saw the name of this road on the outskirts of nashville, so i took a picture. neverbreak drive. i was just like...how ironic is this. i had been having a rough day already today and i see this. it was weird what i was thinking about too. i was thinking when bad things happen to me, i'm really good at pushing them deep down and not dealing with them. putting on a face that says i'm doing just fine. it's like i flippin' live on neverbreak drive. i never let myself just break and be real and be honest. so the last post i had up about "you don't bother me anymore" waah waaah stuff. so not true. i just try to get myself to believe it is.

okay, yes, i have friends i can call and talk to, but it's easier said than done. sometimes i hate talking on the phone. and with what's been going on and what's currently going on, i don't think anyone would understand. and now here's the point of being lonely in a new place. i knew it would come, but just not so quickly. i don't miss home, i just miss connection with people. friendship. real relationships. i'm sure i'll miss home at some point, don't get me wrong. but for now i just want coffee and conversation with a friend. too much to ask?

fyi.

just wanted you to know that the 48 hours i've been in nashville, i've thought about you so much less. you don't rob every thought i have. you don't build up fears inside me. i can actually go places without looking over my shoulder. i have no more worry.

just wanted you to know.

it's here.

it's 12:53 a.m.

i can't sleep.

i leave to move to nashville in 7 hours, 7 minutes.

holy crap.

no one likes to be wrong.

i had a realization today. i probably shouldn't share it on a blog everyone can see, but this is how i let things out.

so hate is a really strong word. i always think i never, ever want to hate anyone. sure, i dislike people, but hate? that's just not how i want to live. but i was driving by myself today and i saw a certain word on a sign. and everytime i see this word, i cringe because it reminds me of someone. i'm not going to share the word, but when i saw it my face scrunched up and anger swelled up in my body. i let out a big pissed off sigh and stewed a few minutes, remembering what this person did to me. and then i was like calm down, amber. what are you solving here. i thought i had forgiven this person, or at least was in the process. obviously i backtracked today. i feel bad, but is it okay to admit i find it so hard to forgive this person? i've prayed and i know God speaks to me about it, but i choose to ignore His words. so as i sat there being immature and grumpy, remembering back, i realized i'm dangerously close to hating this person. and like i said, i don't want to live that way. at all.
i also realized a little part of why i'm excited about moving is because i can leave the bad memories of this person here. not think about it anymore. basically, run away from it. i'm great at solving problems, right? psssh.
wish i could give some good ending like "then i realized i should..." but i haven't. i know what i should do/think, but i can't bring myself to that point yet.

i definitely need prayer and God's help or i'll bury this somewhere deep in my mind to let it fester.

what did you say?

say what you need to say.
glad john mayer finally wrote a song on this subject. i'm a big fan...not just of the song, but of saying something to someone you know you need to. and surprise surprise, i rarely go through with it. i chicken out, get nervous, talk myself out of it, etc. it happens at least once every week. most times it's a small thing but sometimes it's big. i'm one of those people who think you need to get that off your chest because you never know what will happen the next moment. what if you hold in your feelings and then never again get the chance to tell someone what you need to?

hm. that could be irrational. that's just how i am. i don't know why i can't seem to go through with it, but i would encourage anyone else in the world to do it. i'd probably preach it all day to them, and i simply cannot practice what i preach. i'm an odd person. i can take days to build myself up. practice what i need to say, perfect it, get it so ready and good to go, and then out of nowhere, there's that stupid nagging in my mind. to not do it. it won't change anything. what's it really going to accomplish? and after days of gearing myself up, i'm down after two seconds of thoughts like that. anyone else this way?

this happened recently, but this was a more important issue. i had chance after chance to go ahead and talk about it with this person, and i couldn't do it. i would literally open my mouth to start and then stop. i kept telling myself if i don't say something i'd regret it. guess what? i didn't say anything and i'm kicking myself. nah, it may not have changed a thing in the world, but this person needed to know about this. they could have been like "okay", which is a rather disappointing response, but at least i know i've said what i need to say and it's theirs to deal with now. when this happens, it completely overtakes me. and it's right when i have the perfect opportunity to bring it up. it feels like my body is screaming the words i can't get my mouth to say. it feels like every hair on my body is standing straight up. i can feel it so deep in my bones, burning in my fingers, running through my veins. my heart is like go go go goooo amber! say it now! and my mind won't let my mouth start.

this is so frustrating and i don't know how to change.