i will carry you home.

so, i had a whole blog typed out but i felt like i was sharing too much.

so let me just sum up what i said:

i'm tired of a lot of things lately....

1. my health and all the dealings of that
2. not knowing what to do after school is done
3. people using me to get what they want or get things done cause i'm "too nice" sometimes
4. always thinking about how i screwed up a couple really important relationships
5. always worrying about money....ALWAYS.
6. not being able to buy anything but food and pay for rent cause i can't afford to buy clothes, shoes, etc etc. i get frustrated because i wear my summer stuff with jackets and crap. i can't even buy winter clothes because i have to pay rent. blah being grown up.
7. thinking about January 25, 2008. if someone could hypnotize me to erase that day from my mind, i'd be happy girl.


there's more but i already feel like i've shared too much, even in this list.

sorry my blogs are always so sad lately. i guess life could be better, if you ask me.

tonight i let postsecret do the talking.

goodbye and goodnight.

i know you read this, so....

hi you. i won't address this specifically to you, but i know you read this blog.
and i wanted to let you know i was thinking about you a lot today. and some old memories and inside jokes. and i wanted to put some for old times sake.

-the countless cappuccinos at denny's. always loved those free refills.
-the moody bible.
-if we hear shuffling coming down the hallway, we know its her and shouldn't answer the door!
-funny videos...."loud for jesus!"
-nana, mama, etc etc. you know.
-bedtime stories involving the above. thinking back, i'm SO weird. ha.
-stupid chain on my bike would never work.
-beverly.
-the street you somehow found that night. that was still unbelieveable you found it.

i don't know, i could put hundreds here probably.
i don't why i get so nostalgic sometimes. hard not to, i guess.
just thinking what could have been.

miss you lots.

it is what it is.

don't you dare let me keep reaching for you if you're not going to reach back.

it never came.

i'm not sure that you believe in consistency.
there are some days i could swear you get it.
and others where i could swear you never knew the meaning of the word.
say one thing today. say something else tomorrow.
act one way today. act completely different tomorrow.

the only thing that holds these days together is the repetitive motions we go through.
we are certainly far away from being consistent.
it's just another thing i hope for and know it might not ever come.

and these days i'm such a pro at waiting.
i wait for what i hope for, dream of, want so bad.
i wait for what i can perfectly visualize in my head but know will never happen.
i wait for what i could swear is right around the corner.
but oh, don't forget. our consistency is very inconsistent.

i put the ball in your court as much as i can. i give you every chance for the perfect unblocked shot.

when are you going to take it?

after all, you do know best.

you know, i really think we need to talk.
and i'll finally put aside these insecurities and fears i have about bringing up these issues.
if you'll promise to just sit and hear me out, i promise i'll be honest.
it's just these two paths i thought were so entwined i think are really just parallel.
but i would love nothing more than to be wrong.

please prove me wrong.