what i'll never say to you.

just because you have justified in your own mind that you have done nothing wrong and everything is okay doesn't mean you're right.

even when you think no one will find out about your actions, you slip up and practically lay it out on the table for everyone to see. and i hate that you force me to make hard decisions and you don't even know i am aware of what happened. you don't know how much i hate that.
i guess i can't point all the fingers at you because i've kept my mouth shut about it. but when something like this happens, how do you just casually bring it up? it's not like we can sit over tea and mention, oh hey i know about this, would you like a scone? it would be nice if life worked like that. obviously it doesn't. this is all a recurring cycle and if i keep myself in it eventually i'm going to make myself numb to all emotions. i'm a stone when it comes to this. i'm a pro at keeping quiet when most people i know would blow up. i've given you so many chances to get your skeletons out of the closet and you won't do it. i don't know if i can wait on you to dust them off and have the guts to expose them. all i want is for you to have the nerve to tell me so i dont have to say i know. that's all.

learn to be happy with what you've been given in life and your closet will always be empty.

stuck.

i'd like to say that i can't believe this is happening to me....

but maybe i asked for it.

perfection...

....can anyone reach it?

nah.

but these days i desperately want to. it seems like so many people out here are just perfect, at least by appearance. perfect hair, perfect body, perfect skin. i feel so flippin' self-conscious here, it's ridiculous. i should have more confidence in myself, but it's really hard. everyday is a struggle to feel at least decent. i'm trying to start working out and eating better, but still.

guess it's stupid my first post in like two weeks is about this, but surely everyone can relate.

i don't want a perfect body, i just want to walk around and not feel so self conscious about myself. i just want to walk around and not worry if i look fat in something i wear.

maybe it's a really stupid girl thing, but i know guys worry about appearance too. but face it, some guys can be overweight and still look good. if you're overweight and a female, forget it. until i can get where i'm comfortable in my own skin, i just have to live with feeling like nothing.

hi from out west.

.....this is the start of something good. don't you agree?

so it begins again.

i had the best days with you.

the night came into stay while you made other plans.

you are the sun gone down...

[you are the sky].

you are the moon rushed around.

.........you are goodbye.

fall back.

i'm not handling this as good as i thought i could.

the days go too fast.

Waiting on this all to happen is killing me the most.

It's so hard to cherish the days when you know what's coming.

My pretending days are over.

a jet engine through the center of the storm.

i'm losing you and it's effortless.

forecast says....

this good weather clouds my mind.
because when i sit outside and feel a sunny 70 degree day with a slight breeze, everything fades away. i can close my eyes and pretend everything is perfect. there's no problems and i have nothing to worry about.

but when i open my eyes, get up, and go about my day i'm constantly reminded that i can't run away from this forever. and i have to deal with this so much sooner than i want to.

this is not going to be easy.

..........

please don't make this harder than it already is.

my thoughts you can't decode.

Decode by Paramore

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
I can't win your losing fight all the time
No care to ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you wont take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
Well I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own ("I'm screaming I love you so")
On my own (My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
Well I use to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Yeah
How did we get here?
Well I use to know you so well, yeah yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true

i'll be your best friend forever if....

You got me a cute little husky puppy like this one ;)

And yes, I know it doesn't stay a puppy forever. Huskies are so beautiful full grown. The household has been discussing getting a puppy....I vote yes, please. :) I miss having a dog around all the time!

So....whaddya say??

no one really wins.

the longer i let this go, the more it absolutely shreds me to pieces.
i wish this could all disappear. i wish i could erase my mind of what i know.
i wish i really could just let it go, nothing spoken of the subject.
but i know i can't.

i'm at such a battle with myself. i feel like either way i lose.

everything is becoming real.

and it literally makes me sick.
i'd like to know how you sleep at night.
and i'd like to know why i deserve any of this.

really, just tell me.

what else is there to say?

my feelings i get are always right.

whatever.

i start to write something on my blog everyday but i always word stuff so poorly.

there's just things going on i don't really understand. i might understand if i just ask about it, but this is me we're talking about. i don't ask about anything until it absolutely eats me up inside and i have to. eventually i'll get to that point about this but for now i just let it make me sad everyday.

what a life i lead.

i will carry you home.

so, i had a whole blog typed out but i felt like i was sharing too much.

so let me just sum up what i said:

i'm tired of a lot of things lately....

1. my health and all the dealings of that
2. not knowing what to do after school is done
3. people using me to get what they want or get things done cause i'm "too nice" sometimes
4. always thinking about how i screwed up a couple really important relationships
5. always worrying about money....ALWAYS.
6. not being able to buy anything but food and pay for rent cause i can't afford to buy clothes, shoes, etc etc. i get frustrated because i wear my summer stuff with jackets and crap. i can't even buy winter clothes because i have to pay rent. blah being grown up.
7. thinking about January 25, 2008. if someone could hypnotize me to erase that day from my mind, i'd be happy girl.


there's more but i already feel like i've shared too much, even in this list.

sorry my blogs are always so sad lately. i guess life could be better, if you ask me.

tonight i let postsecret do the talking.

goodbye and goodnight.

i know you read this, so....

hi you. i won't address this specifically to you, but i know you read this blog.
and i wanted to let you know i was thinking about you a lot today. and some old memories and inside jokes. and i wanted to put some for old times sake.

-the countless cappuccinos at denny's. always loved those free refills.
-the moody bible.
-if we hear shuffling coming down the hallway, we know its her and shouldn't answer the door!
-funny videos...."loud for jesus!"
-nana, mama, etc etc. you know.
-bedtime stories involving the above. thinking back, i'm SO weird. ha.
-stupid chain on my bike would never work.
-beverly.
-the street you somehow found that night. that was still unbelieveable you found it.

i don't know, i could put hundreds here probably.
i don't why i get so nostalgic sometimes. hard not to, i guess.
just thinking what could have been.

miss you lots.

it is what it is.

don't you dare let me keep reaching for you if you're not going to reach back.

it never came.

i'm not sure that you believe in consistency.
there are some days i could swear you get it.
and others where i could swear you never knew the meaning of the word.
say one thing today. say something else tomorrow.
act one way today. act completely different tomorrow.

the only thing that holds these days together is the repetitive motions we go through.
we are certainly far away from being consistent.
it's just another thing i hope for and know it might not ever come.

and these days i'm such a pro at waiting.
i wait for what i hope for, dream of, want so bad.
i wait for what i can perfectly visualize in my head but know will never happen.
i wait for what i could swear is right around the corner.
but oh, don't forget. our consistency is very inconsistent.

i put the ball in your court as much as i can. i give you every chance for the perfect unblocked shot.

when are you going to take it?

after all, you do know best.

you know, i really think we need to talk.
and i'll finally put aside these insecurities and fears i have about bringing up these issues.
if you'll promise to just sit and hear me out, i promise i'll be honest.
it's just these two paths i thought were so entwined i think are really just parallel.
but i would love nothing more than to be wrong.

please prove me wrong.