1 a.m.

I'm an hour into the new year. I swear I'm determined to make this different.

I know every year I say that, make this year different. I think I succeeded somewhat in 2008, but I'm not kidding when I say 2009 has to be different.

So anyways, happy new year everyone :)
Here's to a hopefully awesome year.

bend and break.

these days i can go from zero to sad in two seconds. it's so frustrating. but i just think think think think. and worry on top of that. and this stupid cycle will never end, will it? i will always worry about my future and worry if i'll ever be good enough. sometimes i'd rather just disappear than have my mind always wrapped around this stuff.

days to months to years.

i guess it's because we are human that we sometimes questions decisions we've made.
i don't know about anyone else, but i'm the queen of asking what if.
i've done this to myself my whole life. if i actually wrote out a list....well, it would take me a whole notebook probably.

i don't know if that means i've screwed up a lot or i just have a different perspective on things now.

should i even have so many questions and regrets about my life? i'm only 21. what if i live to be 90? am i going to look back and have a lifetime of regrets and constantly asking myself what if?

i don't want to have that kind of life. even if i only live to be 22....between now and then, i still don't want to constantly question things that have happened in my life. but i trap my mind in such a cycle that i don't know what to do. i know i'll probably never stop wondering and asking about things that have already happened in my life until this point....but as i get older, i would love to not have so many regrets and questions.

guess we'll see.

i'm a mess, i guess.

take the map and point to anywhere.

i don't care.

hurry up and wait.

i just saw on another blog a few minutes ago....someone asked that they wonder how much of our lives we waste waiting. i know exactly how they feel.

basically...

i share too much on this.

i have one big topic i've been trying so hard to sort out in my head for the past two weeks. and i can't do it. there's too many open-ended questions that i'm afraid i'll never have answered. i would like them answered by one certain person but we all know me! silly amber will never ask them! haaaa.

i hate myself sometimes.

oh the goodness of this song.

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the door

Memories like bullets

They fired at me from a gun

Cracking me open

I swim to brighter days despite the abscence of sun

Choking on salt water

I'm not giving in

I swim

-jack's mannequin